Hurt

It was time.  Her great victory close very close.  While she agreed with many of Emperor Sithis teachings, she knew his great lie -- it was not strength that gave power, but will.  The will to do what needed to be done.  She had that.  Sacrificed her family of Dark Sisterhood, betrayed her master and killed Scorpio, and Astrid. Her beloved Astrid was lost to her now.  The hard sacrifice was over.  What will was needed for the remainder paled by comparison.  All she must do now is kill the remaining sith who may chose to be loyal to Emperor Sithis over her.  She was numb to killing family, The shock wears off after the first few times. 

That was not true.  The death of Astrid stung her deeply.  It was because she had loved her that it hurt so deeply.  Perhaps that was why she let her die. She wanted to hurt herself today, just to see if she could still feel.

Standing at the door to the sith sanctuary well hidden under city 01 where Emperor Sithis had placed his Golemns, she focused on her pain.  Closing her eyes, the pain was the only thing that was real.  She took a shot of moon sugar. The shot was an old and familiar sting she used to try and calm the pain.  It did not work....I remember everything.  I killed the only person I truly loved just to test if I was numb. What have I become?

The doors swung open easily and she strode in wearing her Nightshade armor.  They greeted her warmly.  why wouldn't they? I'm their friend.  Start with the helpless, poison another and work my way through.  Do not stop until they are all dead. It did not matter.  Everyone she knew went away in the end.

When it was finished she brought in Astrid's ashes and just held them.  She looked over the sanctuary the last Sith.  She looked back to the ashes and asked her friend, "What have I become my sweetest friend?  Everyone I know goes away in the end.  But I would give it all to you to come back.  You could have it all."  She looked over the silent tomb she had consecrated to her own malice. "My Empire of dirt." Resisting tears she continued, "I'm sorry.  I let you down.  I made you hurt." The ashes gently fell from Raven's grip as she walked toward the throne built to house the spirit of Malekite.  Ash by ash the remains of her love slipped through her fingers.  She turned and sat on the throne made of twisted steel and bone--The liar's chair.

All alone and victorious she looked over her kingdom in her mind and found only broken thoughts which she could not repair.  Getting lost in her own mind she embraced he thoughts and memories buried far beneath the stains of time to where her feelings disappeared.

She was young, but not too young for her father.  He told her mother to leave, and like an obedient woman she did.  She froze the memory it was too much.  The little girl in the memory looked up at her.  Through this mirror of decades the child said wrapped in pain and loneliness, "I am Raven Carmen Esmerdeen.  You are someone else, but I am still right here."

The sith wept with the child and wrapped her in her arms, safe in her own mind she cried, "What have I become, my sweetest friend?"

The little girl Raven pulled away and looked a full circle around her seeing the carvan now as the sith left it with parents burning. Raven said to the Sith, "Everyone I know goes away in the end.  But do you save me?"

The Sith replied, "If you do what I did you could have it all.  My new Empire..." Raven looked up her last innocent gaze before Esmerdeen stole it from her gripping the Sith to a heart she was surprised still managed to beat, "...of dirt.  No I'm afraid even I will let you down, I will make you ... hurt."

Then Raven leaned down and looked the little girl in her tear stained eyes and said, "If I could start again, a million miles away.  I would keep myself, I would find away."

"You look troubled Dark Lord.  Did I not fulfill my promise?  Your greatest desire in exchange for your help.  Power and the destruction of your enemies is now at hand.  With your actions today the end of Malekite is assured and you have the keys to the Sith Kingdom." The angel Khan spoke calmly and evenly, as he always did.

Raven removed herself from her meditation and looked upon the creature with silence.

"But power is not truly your greatest desire is it?  It is forgiveness." Raven stood silent her bones shaking, "And after meeting and testing Captain Morgan you believe its possible." 

After the longest moment of silence, contemplation, realization, relief, and hesitance Khan spoke, "I know how you feel.  As you now are I once was, as I now am you may become. 

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep"

She was tired, so very tired.  Tired of always running, and doing what was necessary, tired of having nothing and no one.  She had always got what she wanted but never once had she got what she needed-- a chance.

Pointing to the blowing ashes upon the ground Khan continued,

"And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

The Light will guide you home
And ignite your soul
And I will try to fix you"

Falling to her knees Raven bleed tears her all powerful self hatred speaking, "There is no salvation for me."

"But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Let the Light guide you home
And ignite your soul

 I will try to fix you"

He reached down and with the hand of an angel he wiped the tears from he face.
"Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I..."

She interrupted.  If forgiveness was possible she wanted it. Then she vowed.

"I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Light will guide me home
And heal my soul.
And I will try to fix me."