Where once there was love there is only Me

The weight was the hardest part.  The damage being done to her body would be healed, and even if not it paled to the anguish of her soul.  What bothered her was the weight of the chains.  She couldn't move with them on.  No amount of physical pain could approach or compete with the pain of her guilt, so let it come.

"Do you know why you are being punished?  Do you know what your sin is?"
The voice was calm and even.  Not angry in even the slightest. It almost alarmed her how he could do such horrible things to her without anger.  The angel asked a perfect matter of fact question.
"What is your Sin, Lumeria?"

Lumeria choked her answer through blood, "I failed to gain the documents." She was sent because she was trusted and because she failed, the war came before the Saint was ready. Millions would suffer in a war that was unjust because of the faulted understanding of mortals.  She could not say it out loud; her body would not let her.

"No.  Failure is not a sin.  Failure may come for many reasons.  It is the reason for your failure.  Your sin is sloth.  That is why you always ran instead of standing up for anything. It is why you left Lux, it is why you failed Raven. It is why you killed Carmen -- It was easy.  Your sin is Sloth."

His touch removed her physical wounds.  His words removed the weight on her heart.  She understood now that she had always refused to act, refused to do the hard things though she knew they were right.  It had earned her only broken pieces of a barely breathing story.  The chains fell from her arms and released her.  He slid the notebook across the table and gave the command he had before, but now she knew the answer. "Confess your crimes."

Lumeria began to write, and write and write.  Her sins and failings could have filled an ocean but this notebook would have to do.  Her guilt would be buried in those pages.  She paused only for moments and heard the silent sound of loneliness.  She wrote, "I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most.
I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well."  The words stared up at her.  Sloth had cost her everything and everyone and now only loneliness followed her to bed. She slid the book across the table her fingers broken and bleeding from the hemorrhaging they had just finished.

"Punishment, if applied correctly, brings perfection. Let this punishment be your perfecting.  Go and live the life Justice demands."  The angel showed her to a room in the Cathederal.


The room was small and empty but for a small bed on the stone floor.  She found herself rocking back and forth slowly as she stood there.  The same rocking motion she had soothed Samuel to sleep with before he was taken from her, she always pretended they were dancing. Now she was dancing slowly in an empty room, with empty arms. She had sang the Hymn of Hope as a lullaby to her baby and daughter.  The hymn mocked her now.  She had believed in miracles, but that belief went unanswered.  Her children were gone, as was her hope.  Loneliness had taken their place. Can the lonely take the place of you? Sing MYSELF a quiet lullaby, let you go and let the lonely in. 

There was a small knock on the door.  It startled Lumeria but she opened it to find a messenger from the Carrington institute. He handed her a letter and left.  Stunned she opened it to read a letter from Reven, It spoke of how the demon was lying.  Carmen did not have to die, she was tricked.  She strangled the letter in her hands. Before she could process the letter Metta Themoose spoke through the door, "May we speak briefly?" Lumeria just nodded oppening the door. "I heard you lost your children to the gods' neglect.  There can be no greater pain to a mother than to lose her child."

In stunned silence, Lumeria blinked. She was too scared to go inside the feelings those words brought up for one more lonely moment. So Metta continued, "The gods, the paladins, the empire, the shogun, they could have saved them but they didn't.  The gods let you be tricked and let you do the unspeakable.  I can't apologize enough for what happened.  I'm sorry.  For what it is worth, I know your pain. Veli, who like the gods puts on a face of morality, set in motion the death of my daughter.  I thought maybe you would understand my feelings."

Silence.  Finally, Lumeria mumbled, "Where once there was love, now there is only me."

"I'm sorry you need space."  In parting blessing, "Justice for all."

The door shut as Lumeria reflected upon the blessing commonly passed between followers of the Saint Justice for all. Metta was right; the gods had failed.  If Lumeria had to pay for her sins and sloth, then so should the gods, so should those who serve them.  Veli had killed Metta's daughter. He must die, as should all who protect him.  NO ONE WAS IMMUNE TO JUSTICE. By her hand she would carry it.

Saint, I'm a ghost of the girl I want to be most.  I'm a shell of a girl I use to know well.  I let me go and let you in to take my heart again. 

She felt the strength of the Saint and Justice fill her heart.  They would pay, she would go to Waterdeep and they would pay until there was no justice left to deal. 

For a brief moment she thought she heard the memory of Raven's voice, "As you now are, I once was, and as I am now you will soon become."

The voice of just another she had failed.